A gracEmail subscriber writes: "As an elder in the church, I'd appreciate your assessment on something that is starting to bother us more so as time goes on. The usual list of transgressions that require some form of discipline includes "fornication," which one reference work defines as sexual intercourse before marriage. Other reference books include just about everything imaginable, even lust with no physical act occurring. So, would we advise couples not even to kiss because of the possible lusting that can result? Or is this not even an issue as long as acts are private and not troubling (e.g., not living together) to others in the congregation? This situation applies from faithful teens to the elderly and needs to be addressed."

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I see this generally more as a matter for teaching and counseling than for discipline. Church discipline seems to me to be more about open, flagrant, disgraceful conduct -- which could as easily involve profanity, racial or class prejudice and discrimination, covetousness and greed as it could sexual matters (see 1 Cor. 5:1-2; 6:9-11). Sadly, churches usually don't even think in those terms. It is so easy to excuse or ignore non-sexual sins that are common to our culture and to focus on sins of the flesh. That seemingly has always been the case (see John 8:3-11).

The Greek word porneia, translated as "fornication" in the New Testament, is the regular word for prostitution (porne is a prostitute; "pornography" is a related word), although it refers more broadly to sexual immorality in general. This suggests to me that the morality of physical contact might have more to do with relationship and motive than merely with the level of intimacy of the contact itself. Even hugging and kissing, simply for the thrill of it and lacking any actual affection or commitment, is probably inappropriate. However, a man and woman who are in a committed, affectionate relationship might express their affection physically and in private by kissing and hugging that is entirely appropriate and without any moral guilt. At some point couples do encounter a "slippery slope," and it is wise to keep that in mind.

I don't know that we can make rules for other people more stringent than the guidelines God has given, which do include prohibition against intercourse outside marriage. Within that boundary, it seems to me that couples should seek intimacy with God, honorable conduct with each other (conduct based on true respect and appropriate to the level of commitment and affection that exists). Believers should also remember that we belong to Christ, that he has purchased us with his blood and given his Spirit to live in our body which he will eventually redeem (see 1 Cor. 6:14-20).

Sexual self-control is certainly important. But it is not nearly the only important area of morality, probably not the most important, and it is often over-emphasized by Christian people to the neglect of other areas involving how we regard and treat the poor, the weak and vulnerable and those who are different from ourselves.

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